REST IF YOU MUST

                                                                 REST IF YOU MUST

Hello, readers! It’s been a while. I missed writing so much. I missed blogging. I missed sharing something with you. I checked when my last blog was and it was June of this year. So, it has been… what? Five months? That’s quite a long time.

I got so busy with school. Second year is hell and I just can’t wait to finish this level. I lost so much energy. But I am still glad that the spark is still there. The passion is still burning. So, Accountancy students, where you at? Get some sleep! Also, please, take a rest. It is not a reward. Rest is not a reward. You can rest anytime, whether you accomplished something or not. You deserve it. Just don’t rest forever, okay? We will all get there! Just not now. Kidding. And to all the students out there, to all those who are thriving and working so hard, don’t be so harsh on yourselves. Take a rest.

Another reason why I wasn’t able to write for the past months because I am in the process of healing, accepting, and transforming to someone better and to the person I am destined to be. It is not easy. It is a never-ending process so I am walking it through slowly and one step at a time. I do it day by day. I just go with the flow. I am in a much better place now that I was in the past months.

I don’t really know what I would write as a title of this blog. I am just writing my thoughts down. But, I know what the point of this blog is. That is to just catch up with you and share what I have been up to with the months that I am not active. I will tell you about school, which is somehow a boring stuff but I know a lot of you can relate to, and of course, the breakup.

This is crazy because when I typed the word ‘breakup’, something in my heart was lifted. Like so much weight was lost. A part of me wants to cry and I know it is not because I am sad about it, but because now I can talk about it freely and that is a sign, for me, that I fully accept it.

So, let’s go to school stuff. I haven’t talk to anyone about this but last week I had a breakdown. I cried so much. I can’t imagine what I looked like. It must be awful. But to continue, everyone in our house was asleep. It was already late and I am getting ready to sleep as well. I lay down comfortably on my bed, I covered myself with a blanket because no matter how hot it is, I still need one, and I hugged a hotdog-shaped pillow because I cannot sleep without hugging something. Silly, I know. Then pile of thoughts came rushing down on my mind and it is mostly about school.

I cannot stand online class anymore. It is too tiring. It burns me out. I wanted to just stop but, you know, I can’t. Ever since, for me, my only rival in this lifetime is myself and time. I know for sure, at this moment of my life, myself is on my side. But, time? Always will be a rival. So, I cannot stop because I want to finish my education as soon as possible because I am so afraid by the time that I am successful, my parents’ time on Earth is over.

Life is challenging. My parents have to work twice as much to provide for us. And one of my dreams is for them to just sit pretty, stop working, and live a comfortable life. Not because they imposed it to me but because that is what I truly desire. With all their above the bare minimum sacrifices, love, support, and guidance, giving them the best life is still not enough to show them how grateful I am for helping me to be the person I am today.

That is the reason why I am very driven to finish my remaining college years. But, there are times when the pressure would always get to me. It is not because of my parents. They never pressured me. For them, it’s okay to fail. They are just simply proud of me for whatever I may achieve because they know I worked hard for it. They always see me doing my best and that is enough for them. What is important for them is for me to rest and give myself a break. My father would always tell me that if it is not necessary to study and be stressed, then I should just rest.

What pressures me so much is myself. I try to deny it but I am a sucker for academic validation. But I know better now. I am not that hard on myself. In fact, lately, I have been resting so much because with school, I am just doing my best without having to worry whether I’ll have good grades or not. As long as I am passing, I’m good. But still, thank God, I made it to the President’s List. Oh, well… CHAR!

To continue, in online class, I am just really studying to pass but not to learn. I am not learning something. Like I learned it today, after the exams, I forget it. That’s so frustrating. Especially when it comes to my major subjects, which are important. That’s why I am exerting extra effort. I do self-study when I have spare time. And, there are lots of activities that need to be submitted. Sometimes you’ll just be asking, what is rest? What is sleep? So, I highly suggest time management and if you can finish it now, do it already. Don’t beat the deadline. Be ahead of the deadline.

What bothers me so much about school is the standard of my course, Accountancy. Every school year, it has a qualifying exam and a cut-off on the number of students. From hundreds of students, they will just cut it off to 30. I am overthinking that what if I don’t make it to that final 30? Then I would have to take a fifth year to other school. Gosh. Then with regards, the CPA Licensure Examination, imagine just having approximately 15% national passing rate? Was the exam that hard? Imagine the pressure. So, I am just really praying to God every day that He may allow me to pass the exam with my first take. I know it is still years before that but I just can’t stop thinking about it.

Last week, I went out with my friends. One of them is an Accountancy student as well. We talked about the pressure and the doubts about the path and career that we are taking. I know it is bad to feel this way but it’s comforting to know that someone has the same sentiment as you. We just told each other that we can make it and we will pass the board together.

I got too indulge with writing, well, mostly ranting, about my course that I didn’t realize my thoughts and the construction of the blog is so messed up already. I am sorry. This is too long already. I should have separated these two topics but we are here now so might as well continue. Let’s go to the breakup part.

So, December of last year, my ex and I decided to end our four-year relationship. It is not a tragic breakup. But it is still sad because I have been with this person for a long time then suddenly we are ending the relationship. Still, I consider it a happy and a matured breakup. It is freeing. Freeing not because I wanted to be out from something bad and suffocating but because I am choosing something that would make me grow as a person. The relationship helped me grow so much. I am and will forever be grateful for that. But I also felt that I need to grow on my own, outside of the relationship. Well, that is life. Good things can fall apart.

Did I cry? Yes. Nights before the breakup because I know it is nearing its end. But after the breakup? Never. Because I know I chose myself. I also know that both of us gave our best in the relationship. There is no issue. No fight. Definitely no third party. It was a calm breakup. We just talked about it and that’s it. It was good while it lasted. That time I still love him but it is not the same love anymore. Then as I grow older, my priorities are becoming clear. I wanted to focus on myself and my studies.

It is almost a year since the breakup. Everything is okay. We are okay. We have moved on. We greet each other on special occasions. There is no bad blood. I’d always be thankful for him. Sounds cliché but that’s the truth.

I am in a much better place now, as I said a while ago. I am at peace and I’d do everything to protect that. That is why I am not active on social media anymore. Too many Marites. And I want peace of mind.

When the breakup happened I said that I will focus on my studies. I am a little bit hypocrite there. So to make things clear, and if you are curious too, I can say that I am ready for a new relationship. For the past months, I healed and I focused on loving myself. I filled my cup of love. It is overflowing now so I am ready to give love on other people. I always believe that the best feeling in the world is being in love. I am older and wiser now, I know better now, so if ever I would love someone, I’d love fully but I’d make sure I won’t lose myself again.

This is already long so let’s end this blog. What I learned from these experiences is that it is okay to not be okay. Acknowledging that you are going through something is not a sign of weakness. When you face it, you are brave. Then, take time to heal. It is okay to take a break. As what Jonaxx said, rest if you must, but always come back with a better perspective.

I’ll just give this a random title. Bear with it, please. And, protect your peace! Keep safe. I had fun writing this. I hope you also had fun reading! Enjoy and live. ‘Til the next blog. Mwa.

 

Minalin – 11/22/2021 – 4:04 PM